ΣU: Stop what you're doing! He clearly prefers being alive to your killing him, and his existence is a net addition to total utility (unlike that criminal from before)!
Maximize average: Nobody will even notice that he's gone, and he just barely prefers being alive anyway - thanks to you. What the hell did you do to increase the birth rate by so much anyway?
ΣU: Zapped all the contraceptive plants. People enjoy life less because of less sex, but the addition of more people is clearly worth it. You were too busy stealing from people to give to the utility monster to notice (and I didn't mind that either).
Median U: I noticed...