Wednesday 30 May 2012

Wizardish humbug

The Wizard of New Zealand has been leading the "Save the Cathedral" effort. The Cathedral, badly damaged in the earthquakes, is perhaps salvageable; The Wizard wishes that it be saved. Paul Walker rightly notes that unless those protesting the demolition can come up with money for a rebuild, they ought leave the Cathedral's fate to its owners. But I still love The Wizard's eighth-page ad in the Christchurch Press; it's delightfully weird.

The text might be a bit hard to read in the image. The linked PDF should be a bit better; text copied below. I love that New Zealand has a Wizard [Wikipedia] to help make the place a bit weirder.
Wizard's Demolition Order
For the Anglican Bishop of Christchurch

At this time of post earthquake human aftershocks I feel duty bound to call upon the powers invested in me by the Government of New Zealand to take drastic action on behalf of the people of New Zealand and in particular the people of my own city, Christchurch.

My appointment as Wizard of New Zealand by the Prime Minister in 1990 was worded as follows;
"to protect the government, bless new enterprises, cast out evil spirits, upset fanatics, cheer up the local population and attract tourists".
I hereby declare that under section 42 of the Prophets' unwritten manual;
The Bishop will be deconstructed.  
The work will continue as long as any part of her remains in Christchurch.
Like many others living here I have been bothered in the Square for many years by "born again" fundamentalists who threaten me with a hideous fate in Hell if I don't let them pester me with impertinent questions.

As a practising prophet of the Anglican Church I appeared in Cathedral Square from 1975 until 1980 as the "Hammer of the Heretics". For those interested in heresy, most fundamentalists are Gnostics who hate good taste and beauty. I also believe that people who use fear rather than love to recruit followers are actually in the power of Satan. Since he is the father of lies Satan frequently claims to be Jesus and pleads to be let into our hearts.

By 1980 I had driven the last Satanic fundamentalist from the Square, with the exception of the Bible Lady, who was too far gone and more of an amusing pest than a real threat. I never considered my friend the fundamentalist Ray Comfort to be a Satanist. Love poured from gentle, kindly Ray. I miss him.

It's hard enough coping with the destruction and fear caused by the earthquakes. Now our Anglican Bishop shows how much she hates and despises the people of Christchurch. Alas, if that were not enough she is in league with the Holy Joes! A few weeks ago she posed smiling for The Press with a motley bunch if non-Anglican heretics. She was thrilled to bits that they wholeheartedly agreed with her that our spiritual home for 150 years, the world famous Anglican Cathedral, should be torn to pieces and dumped in the harbour!


I have examined the Bishop's foundations and have discovered that they are built on sand. She is in a very dangerous state, being seriously cracked, and I can see no evidence that she can be made safe. Even if it were possible, there would be no point restoring her as she is as dull and bland as her beloved Cardboard Cathedral. Unlike me, she has no attractive Gothic features. But then, Prophets are much more attractive than High Priests.

I can assure the Bishop that she will be very carefully deconstructed. Every piece "will be treated with reverence". The real treasure inside can then be rescued. This treasure is the loving and honest faith of our Anglican ancestors.

For the sake of our traumatised Chapter and Clergy, and Anglicans, both churched and unchurched, I recommend that our next Bishop should be a cardboard figure in Cathedral Square. After a few  years the sight of a figure wearing a Mitre and carrying a Crozier will cease to bring shudders of fear.

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